Monday, October 1, 2012

just....here

This year has been like no other for me. I've gone through all sorts of emotions. Some good, some bad but mostly I just feel, here. I don't know how to put it into words but this year has been probably my roughest one, yet.

I was laid off in January from my job of three and a half years. In all honesty it was a blessing in disguise because I wasn't happy there but didn't know how to leave. I was fortunate enough to get a four month paid severance and I took that entire four months to find a job. I needed a mental break and wanted to find a job I was in love with. I interviewed with the venue where we were married but the events position wouldn't have worked for me and they went with someone internally (and again as disappointed as I was it was a blessing in disguise because the venue I would have been in charge of isn't as busy as their main venue (where we were hitched) and it wasn't a salary position so I would have been broke, like all the time), though I was fortunate enough when that didn't work out to help set up weddings on the weekends thanks to Emilee (who designed my  wedding and has become a great friend!) but after one season and having a full time job again, I wasn't able to go back for this season (its a thirty mile drive one way and as fun as it was, I don't have the time like before).

But now I have a new job. It's not bad, but I am not fulfilled. Is anyone truly fulfilled in their jobs? I know most people are not, but are you okay with that? I have never been okay with this and have this idealistic view of me loving something I do and not feeling like it is work...I know its all wishful thinking and for as many people that say, "I love my job!!", there are more of us who well, don't. I don't know that I can ever be truly okay with that but I have no clue at the ripe old age of twenty-eight what the eff I am doing on this earth.

I'm sort of ready for a baby. Not like today or anything but I feel like something in my life is missing and I don't know how to fill the void (I sound so friggin' dramatic and I don't mean to, but its how I have felt lately) but really a baby isn't the answer, now is it?

Especially with a husband in law school. I am so proud of Jason for going back to school, but I am lonely. Like a lot. I used to be a very independant chick and after five years (one and a half of marriage), I feel weird going places stag now. I have to find something for me that makes me happy and fulfills me and I don't know how to do that anymore.

I used to have all these goals and things I was working towards, but lately I just feel here. Complacenet and waiting for something (anything!) to happen. I didn't used to be like this. And as lame as I sound I know that only I can make changes. I try and then I don't. I am home more because we have two dogs and three to four days a week, hubs has class and/or is studying at the library so its all me. And really as outgoing as I tend to me (mostly) lately, I'd just rather stay in. If I do go out, I have to mentally prepare myself and again that isn't me, not really. And really it's not all that bad and I am sure I am making this sound so sad but I just don't know how to get past this.

I think to date, this is my most depressing post ever. I don't mean for it to be, but I don't know where else to get all of this out and blogging has always allowed me to express my thoughts (even though I have been supressing them for half of this year and posting only happy mostly generic things for fear of actually talking (er...typing?) aloud about this)

So anyways, thats all I have for today. Thanks for letting me be sad and a downer for the day...

XOXO,
Nichole

11 comments:

  1. I think everyone goes through "slumps" like this. I'm not sure if anyone is totally fulfilled at their jobs, but I bet most people aren't. the only advice I have is to try to plan things to look forward to, even if it's as simple as a trip to Target after work one day while your husband is studying.

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  2. I've been in a slump, job-wise. Ever since graduating, I've been doing assistant work, which is fine, but I'm ready to be trained in a skill, you know? I want to specialize in something. So far, that hasn't been happening, and the job I'm in now, the one I thought would have a career path, is turning out not to have one. Oy. I'm trying to look at it as a good thing, as like I have a whole bunch of possibilities since I'm not down a specific career path yet. Life is like that, though. Sometimes it sucks, sometimes it's awesome. Take comfort in knowing that things WILL get better. They always do. :-)

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  3. I think your workout challenge will help with the slump. When I forced myself to go to the gym everyday, I naturally felt more fulfilled because it seemed like I was accomplishing something.
    And I do feel the same way you do...my husband isn't here, it's on ME to make myself happy (which is why I blog so much), and my job isn't as fulfilling as I imagined it would be.
    I hope this sorts itself out soon, Nichole. 2012 has just been one of those years!
    *Hugs*,
    Kristin

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  4. I feel you. I go through emotions like these quite a lot - not being completely happy at my job, wanting a kid but not QUITE yet, feeling like I should be settled into a career but also feeling an extreme case of wanderlust...I think we just go through phases like this. I think the key is finding a way to do SOMETHING different, even if it's just little things!

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  5. I hear ya girl. Life tends to get so overwhelming at times for all of us. But know that you'll get through this rut and be better than ever. Hang in there!!!

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  6. I'm sorry you feel this way. I hate to hear it. I felt like this a couple of years ago. I felt unfulfilled at my job and not sure where I could find my happiness. And I just filled my life with things that made me happy. I find joy in doing the little things like cooking a nice dinner or baking muffins. Running has really helped me feel fulfilled because I can set goals and work towards them. I also have gotten more involved in the blogging community and find fulfillment in talking with others and commenting on blogs. It seems silly but it makes me feel connected to others. I'm also working on getting out of my comfort zone and doing things to get out of the house, which sometimes elongates the rut. Even going outside can be so much less lonely. I hope that you feel better. I hope this made some sense.

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  7. I so feel you. I was you about two years ago. I was in a major rut and a lot of it was job related. I'm not necessarily fulfilled by my new job but I like the people I work with much better and I've found that I have to work extra hard to find fulfillment outside of work. I hope your exercise routine helps too! I really look forward to working out now and planning healthy meals has become my fun thing to do. I hope things get better! Some days you just have to remind yourself that this too shall pass, it sounds corny I know, but some days when it was really bad a few years ago I kept telling myself that and it helped me move one foot in front of the other until I made real changes in my life. Things will get better and you'll appreciate the happiness so much more when you get there!

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  8. I feel you -- seriously! I'm going to email you.

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  9. Bless you sweetie. It's totally ok that you are "down" at this time. EVERYONE goes through this. I know where you are coming from - but at a different angle. My husband went through a layoff with a severance and it was a blessing in disguise. I just kept telling him that God really knows what you need and when you need it. After the layoff- our little boy turned two and my Nana passed away on his 2nd birthday. :( A ton of emotions. But, my husband did start his new job TODAY, but will not actually get his first check until November 2nd. YIKES. Yes, I know all about the broke part. But, if I can tell you something~ keep your head up. A light will come shinning. Never ever think you are alone feeling the way you do. We've just gone through some crazy emotions our selves. Big Hugs!!!

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  10. This happens to everyone at times. I remember being there...and I can't remember what got me out of it but voicing my frustrations. Hang in there...life is working on big things for you! :)

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  11. I'm sorry to hear that you've been going through such a hard time. :( While I think it's natural for people to go through these periods in their lives, they never easy. I know exactly what you mean about being in a rut, and even though I could write a book on the topic, I won't do that here. This is about you. I will just say that I think most people don't love their jobs, and rarely does anyone find one that they love passionately. Hang in there and know that things will get easier in time.

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